Resolutions

When I was growing up, every year on my birthday for as long as I can remember, I would get a call from my uncle asking me if I felt different being a year older. The elementary-aged me would respond in a fit of giggly “no, that’s silly.” Teenaged Me would give an exasperated sigh, the eye-roll unseen though apparent through the phone line, and counter with a “how am I any more different today than yesterday?” College Me, for the few minutes I could squeeze in between studying and extracurricular obligations, would whimper a tired “I wish.”

In 2014, however, on the morning of my 30th birthday, I opened my eyes in our cramped apartment for the very last time and thought, “Whoa.”

Because 2014 was a year of very perceptible and tangible change. For me, that particular morning fell two weeks after we closed on our very first house – apartment living, like college and grad school, was being left behind in my 20’s. I had real responsibilities now; not just paying a mortgage, or keeping up with an insane amount of maintenance, but being informed enough to make intelligent choices for tax votes (I’d previously abstained from any vote regarding a property tax because, really, I wasn’t the one paying it, so I didn’t feel that was fair to impose on those who did) and building the community I wanted to be a part of. I had a vested interest now. This wasn’t some short-term stay until I transitioned to the next level, this WAS the next level. 20’s were the time for exploring and laying the ground work for what I wanted and needed to find fulfillment in life, and now, the dawn of my third decade, was the time to make it happen.

As that summer proved, this was not going to be easy. I think the hardest thing about knowing you are on the right path for your life’s purpose is watching those around you fall apart, and knowing that the only thing you can offer is that quiet voice saying “don’t give up yet, you’re so close.” For me, it’s an instinct – in Gone With The Wind, there’s a line Mammy delivers that reads “it’s a very bad thing for a woman to face the worst that can happen to her, because after she’s faced the worst she can’t ever really fear anything again.” And it’s true. I’ve already faced the worst that can happen. I’m still here, and all this other piddly drama is nothing by comparison  – I know that, I accept that, and I’m to the point where  even if I’m irritated with a situation I know that it, too, shall pass. Up and down, round and round, that’s how the wheel of life goes, the point being to hold on and not let a down moment crash you off your path. Real faith is a powerful thing. But try explaining that to someone who just lost their job, or whose relationship just dissolved, or who’s going through a crisis because what they thought they wanted to do with their life isn’t working out but they’ve invested too much in it to be brave and start over.

Now imagine being in that tiny vortex of calm at the center, watching all of this madness and uncertainty swirling around you, and trying to keep everyone holding on until the storm can finally burst.

That was my 2014.

But you know what? We made it.  I’ve said before, and I’ll say it again, that with as stressful and terrifying as it was, when we look back at the end 2014 will be the point where things really changed. As the saying goes, the darkest hour is just before the dawn, and 2015 is full of so much promise that I can’t help but pin my hopes to what we’re going to accomplish. Every step we’ve taken, both forward and back, everything we’ve done has led to this moment. This is our time. We are exactly where we need to be. And in time, you’ll see I was right all along.

Last week I sent my personal resolution to the core members of my team – a physical representation of a very important promise. I won’t go into it here – I still have a few packages travelling to various parts of the Earth and I hate to ruin a good surprise – but the gist is that I will not lose sight of our mission and I will do everything I can to grow, support, and protect the community and values we’re building together. This isn’t about me. This is about something much, much bigger than me. Something so big that we can’t do it all on our own, but need to (and are meant to) do together.

In 2015, we’re going to change the world.

Just watch.