You can usually tell my frame of mind by a combination of two things: whether I’m stuck in my writing, and whether or not I’m behind in my issues of mental_floss. Snags on one or the other from time to time aren’t cause for being overly concerned – everyone has a busy spell from time to time – but a combination of both for an extended period of time means we’re dancing into dangerous territory.
The particular snag, in this case, involves the ending of a certain story run we’ve been posting over the last year. When I plotted out the initial story arc back in January 2015, I had Baron’s storyline completely sketched out, complete with an explosively dramatic finale. I was pleased with this, my plan was for the story to run on the website through Christmas time and then go into edit mode for release as an ebook in summer time. The ebook would have added content and any revisions we wanted. Yes, I was totally and publicly beta testing a book to via the RCM community. I’m pretty sure most people wouldn’t think to do that, but then, I’m not most people. In spite of the workload, things moved along wonderfully…until we got down to the final few chapters, and I realized I had never written an action sequence like the kind I needed to end this story. And I panicked, because I had no idea how to even begin and I really, REALLY didn’t want to screw things up like I did with my prior story.
Allow me to explain:
Da Bark Lurd saga started off as the Varyar Fan Fic, meant as a joke at the expense of my friend and RCM’s noble leader. There wasn’t any story imagined at the beginning – it was just random suggestions from fans of The Rival Cast that were fleshed out into narrative form. Even the “missing Bio” element that started the proper story arc was suggested by the community, after we jokingly speculated on where the usually-present Biomed Alchemist was over the long Thanksgiving weekend in 2014 (he was obviously kidnapped). Feeling inspired, and goaded on by the creative trifecta of my future co-host, a drunken Swede, and a shadowy web-ninja, I mapped out a story that had Bio kidnapped by a losing candidate from the Lord of Terror elections and the RivalTeam having to come together to rescue him. The original plan had a showdown in the warehouse with Varyar sacrificing himself to save one of his teammates, being taken hostage by the supernatural Elmo, and Vampy (who Varyar did not want to even be on the mission) proving her amazing crack shot awesomeness by firing a bullet just past Varyar’s ear and in between the eyes of the deranged terrorist muppet.
That’s what should have happened. Instead, I panicked at the last minute that it was too predictable, too implausible, reminded myself that I’d never done action and suspense before, and then proceeded to completely botch the whole thing. Nobody was happy with that ending, least of all me. But it was okay, I told myself. I’d revise it later, just had to move forward with the new story – Agents of ARACHNOS, about another Lord of Terror also-ran. I had a plan for this one from the very beginning, one that would set up a number of other stories and villains for the RCM universe. I had plenty of time to figure out how to make that dramatic action sequence work.
And then we got there, and I had a crisis of faith. I didn’t know where to start, and I really didn’t want another fizzle ending. So I paused. I obsessed. I started paragraphs skating all around the main objective but never actually getting to the point. I second-guessed my original vision, trying to come up with something plausible but different, something I’d done before. But nothing fit.
And so I just stopped.
My friend Dani has an interesting Franz Kafka quote in her email signature, which reads “A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.” This is very accurate. This is also why my writing partner grew somewhat concerned when, the night before the (almost) last chapter was supposed to post, the page was still blank. I explained to him what I’ve written here, and his response was along the lines of “go back to your original idea and just write it.” Okay. But where to begin? My laptop stayed comatose all weekend. I was travelling, hoping maybe a day or two away would spark something, but it didn’t. Monday I had to work late and couldn’t do much of anything afterwards except sleep, dreaming of spiders chasing my husband through an Australian countryside but getting no closer to my needed resolution.
Tuesday, I got an interesting email.
Carrie Frye is a writer and freelance editor who recently started an email blog on writing and creativity. Tuesday’s edition talked about writer’s block – apparently I’m not the only one in a funk the past few weeks. In it, she brings up a passage from a letter she once received from her writing partner, Maud Newton:
I’ve been writing a novel for a very long time, and eventually I realized that it’s taking me so long to finish because I was writing from a safe, closed-off place. It was a little like partly strangling myself while trying to sing. I realized I was afraid of being too dramatic, of letting in too much feeling, too much insanity.
I damn near knocked my tea over when I read those lines. That was exactly what I was doing with the story! I was trying to write from a safe space, only you can’t stay in a safe space and have new experiences. It doesn’t work like that. For weeks now, the argument – MY argument – kept cropping up about how one can’t learn new things without stepping a little bit outside of their comfort zone and into the unknown. Hell, I did an entire rant column on that very idea just last week. One would think that with the Universe clearly (now) putting the answer right in front of me, repeatedly, might have triggered a thought in my brain to help me move forward. It reminded me of a caution from one of my math professors in college: “Don’t get so caught up in the minutiae that you miss the bigger picture. It’s right there in front of you; you just have to step back and see it.”*
I’m pleased to say that it did, in fact, make a difference. I got home Tuesday evening and sketched out the rough draft of the final battle between Baron and Arachnos, then started fleshing out the details. It’s not done yet – I’m giving myself time to do it right – but it’s on its way. I’m trying new things.
And if I don’t get it quite right the first time, well, there’s always the revisions.
*****
*That conversation took place ten years ago this week, and interestingly enough, the context of the conversation also came back to visit today and offer its own newfangled revelations. We’ll look at that next time – there will be colors and pictures and math, oh my!!!
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