In two days, some good friends of mine will be initiated into the bonds of holy matrimony (or, as we like to call it, The Club). They’re both pretty laid back, so they decided to keep things simple – a quick ceremony with the justice of the peace at the end of a vacation to NYC, followed by a celebratory picnic with friends later on. Short, sweet, and low-key, just like they are.
The destination part of the wedding was a necessity – as of this writing, their home state of Ohio does not legalize same-sex marriage, and they weren’t sure that there would be a definite ruling on the Defense of Marriage Act before the nuptials.They decided to travel early for Pride Week and kept their fingers crossed that reason would prevail for once in Washington.
Our biggest concern with waiting on the DOMA ruling had to do with immigration status- one of the couple is not currently a US citizen, and DOMA prevented his partner from being able to sponsor his immigration visa. More importantly, his home country considers homosexuality a capital crime. For years, he’s had to be excruciatingly careful about keeping his personal activities closeted, because if his actions were known in his home country his life and well being could be forfeit the minute he returned there.
For example, as part of their wedding gift, a few months back I did a photo shoot with the two of them so they would have some engagement photos. This was the first time they allowed pictures to be taken of the two of them together. Growing up as an American in the age of digital photography, for me it was mind boggling to think of what that kind of fear would be like, to be so far away from that life and yet knowing you still had to be careful in case anything were to go wrong and you found yourself being sent back. The photos so many of us take for granted as a normal part of our culture could, in his culture, be a death sentence. So for us, DOMA was more than just an injustice to our friends’ freedoms – it was an active barrier to our friend’s safety, for no other reason but he happens to be gay.
Even with DOMA being struck down by the Supreme Court, the fact remains that although American society has made huge strides towards equality, we’ve still got a long way to go. Alan Cox had a fantastic discussion on his radio show a while back regarding the uproar over a recent Cheerios ad that featured a biracial family (go to about 8:15 to hear the discussion). Apparently the company received an insane amount of comments from irate viewers because the ad featured a white mom and a black dad. Nothing untoward, just a kid running from the kitchen (where the mother can be seen) into the living room where the dad is lounging, and the kid telling him “Daddy, Mommy said eating Cheerios is good for your heart!” Aaaaaand people went crazy over this. Come on, people. I know a lot of biracial couples, most of whom have children together. This isn’t anything earth-shattering. This is 2013, not 1813, and the idea that there are so many people who would spew their hatred over a Cheerios ad is appalling.
Thankfully, when my friends return home next week as spouses-for-life, it looks like things will be much smoother sailing for them. In an article posted Tuesday, NPR reported that The Department of Homeland Security will grant permanent visas to the foreign-born spouses of U.S. citizens, even if they live in a state where same-sex marriage isn’t recognized (full article here). So we have hope. A young couple, very much in love, is finally getting the chance to plan a future together.
And isn’t love what makes the world go ’round?
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