An old friend of mine ended a relationship last week. I feel sad about this, partly because of all the people I’ve known in my life he is the one who most deserves a happy ending, and by all accounts this relationship seemed the most promising. Sure, they had their ups and downs, but what made me take notice was that with her he seemed more confident, more optimistic, more passionate than I’d seen him in a long time. She really seemed to make him happy, so of course I was rooting for them.
He didn’t give details for the split, and I didn’t ask – I’ve known him long enough to trust his judgement more than my own most of the time. My friend has never been one to do a half-assed job on anything, so I’m confident that whatever ended this, he tried everything he knew how to do first to make things right. Sometimes circumstances are such that you do everything right and things still turn out wrong. Sometimes it’s nobody’s fault. Sometimes one person is more willing to change and adapt than another. And sometimes we reach that breaking point where we have to stop thinking about everyone else and make a decision as to what’s best for us.
That’s had me thinking. It has been my experience that throughout the world, no matter what era one looks at, there are three types of people: the predominant givers (give more than they receive), the predominant takers (take more than they give, often without appreciation to the giver), and the (much smaller) population of those who have achieved balance between the two (they will give unconditionally but not allow themselves to be taken advantage of, and when on the receiving end will show appreciation to the giver). Most givers I know want to have more of that balance – I’ve seen scores of magazines over the past few years feature articles on the “power of saying no” and taking time for yourself to be more happy – but some are just in too deep to think they are deserving of that balance. Too often, though, the givers are cozied in with more takers than they can handle, or dealing with manipulative takers who, consciously or not, know just what it takes to bring the giver back into line with their needs. I’m not talking about just material things, either; some of the worst offenders are the emotional takers or time takers.
No matter what type of relationship you’re talking about, all healthy relationships are about give and take from both sides. When a relationship becomes one way only, you need to take a step back and evaluate where you are and where you want to be going. Sometimes you’ll know when the one way is unavoidable, like when someone is sick. In those cases, you know that it will (hopefully) only be a matter of time until the balance returns, because that’s what healthy relationships do. Other times, you’ll find that things aren’t going to change no matter what you do, and you’ll have to make the decision as to whether the relationship is something to continue to pursue. In the end, only you can make that decision for yourself, and it can be hard.
Last year, while juggling work, family, health issues (both for myself and some of those close to me), volunteering, and planning a wedding, I had to make some tough decisions about when it was time to let go of some of my takers. I hit the point where I was physically and emotionally exhausted from constantly having to deal with drama from people who weren’t going to change, and who blatantly pushed their own wants on me at a time when they knew I had other obligations. These were not one-time emergencies, and I’d had it. I set my boundaries, made my intentions clear, and the ones who ignored those boundaries I let go. It was not easy, but my life has had a lot less outside drama as a result (it also helps that I have a partner who supports me when I need to make strong decisions – positive support helps us stand our ground). The ones who stayed made the effort to regain balance, and those relationships became a lot stronger.
But back to my friend. The past few weeks at least he’s been struggling with the same tough decisions, arguably tougher because it involved a romantic relationship. He made a decision; now all that can be done is to sit back, support him however I can, and see how it plays out. I’m not yet convinced that this story is done – Abby van Buren once wrote that sometimes relationships need to be torn apart before they can be reconstructed, and maybe, just maybe, this experience will lead to a happy ending after all.
Time will tell.
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